My Story ☆

 

                                          A Basic Summary of my Mental Health Story 

 

I  have struggled with severe Social Anxiety Disorder my whole life. I've always been afraid to talk to people for as long as I can remember, and I never knew why. Around age 10 I began experiencing panic attacks. I didn't know at the time what they were; I thought it was dizziness. This was in the mid-'90s, before the internet was invented. There was a lot less information on mental health then, and it wasn't really discussed publicly.

At age 14 I became depressed (I eventually was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder) and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This was triggered after my best friend (and only friend I had left) moved away. The loneliness almost killed me, and it went on for years. I also struggled with my grades in a few of my classes (a lot of it due to inability to concentrate and being too depressed to study) which made everything twice as bad. It further destroyed my self-esteem, and I would get punished for bad grades at home, leading to more anxiety and depression. I developed self-destructive coping mechanisms to survive, and struggled with body image and disordered eating as well. 

During my early-20s I developed OCD (mostly intrusive thoughts), which was the worst of all of the anxiety disorders in my experience. I never felt safe, and I developed phobias that took over my whole life. I had difficulty working and was unable to be financially independent and live on my own.

The people who helped me throughout the years were my family, friends, and therapists (I eventually connected with someone. When I was in my teens and 20s I had a lot of bad experiences with therapists that I didn't feel comfortable with and didn't completely trust to open up to. It felt like a power struggle at times). 

What has helped me in my recovery journey was learning how to love and care for myself. This was something completely foreign to me to say the least! I initially tried to build up my self-esteem through trying to change my outer circumstances (social life, appearance, job, etc.). This didn't work very well, and I would give up for a time and then try it again. It wasn't until my mid-30s that I learned that true self-love is loving all parts of myself unconditionally. My core identity is who I am on the *inside*, not the outside. It isn't based on my outer circumstances and how "successful" I am at something, or what role I play. This is when the healing process began. It's been a long and bumpy road, but it's safe to say that I am now finally getting there and well on my way to recovery from mental illness. 

What has also helped me a lot was positive affirmations (pertaining to self-confidence), positive self-talk and self-care (mentally, emotionally and physically), prayer, and creative visualization (I especially love creating vision boards through Pinterest).

I hope that my story will inspire others who are struggling, and that we can all come together to talk about mental health issues, ways to cope, and then begin the healing process.